LIFE, Death, and LIVING.

Hmmm. I hate putting out bad news. I have tried my best to stay positive and optimistic over the last couple of years. I've had my moments for sure, but I think over the last 6 months I've done a pretty damn good job of keeping focused on the things I wanted to accomplish. I know I've had my moments... Ya know... simple stuff. Finding a cure for Parkinson's, Cancer, and the end to human suffering in general. SIMPLE stuff. I can't anymore. Now I'm going to try to alleviate some of the suffering of my family and friends. I'm OK peeps. Damn. I love you all so much. The outpouring of support is wonderful. But stop with the "I'm sorry's" and the "I don't know what to say" bullshit. I'm still me. Tell me to FUCK OFF. That's what I expect and appreciate! I'm not a withering flower. I'm a man that has lived a WONDERFUL life. I've had some pretty amazing experiences. And I think instead of blogging about what I'm going through... I think from this point forward I'm going to share what I've LIVED. Thanks to Rusty and the love we STILL have for one another... I spoke to him last night at length and it was like we were sitting next to each other having coffee. I miss him so much. He changed it in so many ways. He made me LAUGH. Made me cry many times, but I'm sure that was mutual. I certainly made him cry last night. I followed Rusty to San Diego and Hawaii. It wasn't living in those places that was wonderful... it was the friendships.... the OHANA... that made me grow as a person. Shannon, Larry, Carl, Tom, Scott, Chris, Fi, Josh, Aaron,  Megs, Bridget (Rusty's mom), Kris, Miss Pat, LINDA, Lei and Cory, Jamie, Glenn, JACKIE and Mari... The people that are close to me... you make my life RICH. There have been times in my life when all I cared about was making money, having this and that. The perfect truck/car, the perfect house, the perfect boyfriend. I HAD all those things. I made mistakes like any man does. I got sick and lost all of it. And blamed it on the illness/this and that. Truth is... MY reaction to what was happening to me... that's what ended two of the the most wonderful love stories ever told.
I look back on my life now and the memories really do make me smile. Even the bad shit that I/WE went through... can't help but laugh now. It's all so trivial. I guess facing something like this makes the everyday stuff SO not important. I spent so much time over the last couple of years ANGRY. I took it out on some pretty incredible people. I'm making amends... somehow. Through letters. One person that took the most abuse was Wayne Gilbert. He's an amazing man, and from what I understand he's becoming the man that I knew he would be. I made so many mistakes in that relationship, but there was never any doubt that I loved him completely. He was my best friend, and my partner. I'm proud to say that now. What happened between us is private. But I want everyone to know that it was MY fault. I hurt him in a way that you should NEVER hurt someone you love. And I did love him completely. Still do. Regret is something TERRIBLE. I just know that things are the way they should be. And I can live and die with that.
Petunia. GEEEESH. That little girl!  I've NEVER been so loved in my LIFE by a man the way she loves me. She's been with me through some of the darkest hours of my life. She's with my parents and she's staying there. She's my Dad's best friend, and my mom loves her to death. I finally have no one to worry about. Meaning: Whatever happens to me... I know now that the people I love most, the dog that has been by my side through everything, and my family will be alright.  My nephew Bobby makes me proud every single day. Just bought his first house at 18. Working for a company I have faith in. And he's taking care of my sister. That's all that's mattered to me.
I can finally "Set Fire to the Rain." And be ok with that.

I'm sad. Sad that I don't have Parkinson's. I know that sounds crazy. But what I've been through over the past year is crazy too. I'm dying. Slowly. Quickly. Who really cares anymore? The fact is I'm dying faster than most of the people reading this. I'm not even 40 yet. And I'm PISSED.
Two years ago I was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. I can go though all the ins and outs of the prognosis, but the baseline is I was given a diagnosis. PARKINSON'S. I started relating to Michael J. Fox like you wouldn't believe! He was my new best friend.... my hero. HE STILL IS. And as long as I'm alive I will continue to raise money for his cause.
I have ALS. With Severe Cervical Stenosis/Myelopatathy. I've been going through tests and I'm not happy. Not only do I have the ALS... but I have severe narrowing in about 9 spots in my spine compressing the nerves. My neuro doesn't think there's a neuro surgeon that will touch my spine. So... I'm dying. AND... I need to make decisions on surgery. I'm missing someone tonight. PERIOD. Decisions need to be made. I don't think I've EVER felt so alone in my life.