Gratitude

My best friend Carl is a Navy Pilot. He's become one of my closest friends, and helped me in so many ways. He's helped me regain my faith by showing me daily what it is to have a REAL relationship with Christ. The last couple of months have been horrible. The break up with Wayne, the disability fight, watching my folks get older and knowing I probably won't be around to take care of them, the DAILY pain that I have from rigidity and not knowing what the future holds for me. Today a jet flew into an apartment complex here in Virginia Beach. Luckily... he wasn't flying, and is safe. But it was a reminder that life is precious.
My posts on Facebook recently have been morbid and sometimes quite depressing. I'm not dying. I'm living. Everyday that I wake up and can walk is a blessing. I have days where I can't even move without pain. Yes... I get frustrated, depressed, angry... it's normal from what I've been told. I have worried too long about waking up, taking a look at Petunia... realizing I can't get out of bed. I've worried about being in a wheelchair and not able to take care of myself. Been worried about being frozen... hearing everything around me but not able to communicate. Been worried about my family, boyfriend, my friends, and Petunia. I spent so much time worrying about things I couldn't control... people that really mattered, and people that didn't. (And a dog that will be taken care of regardless of what happens to me. She has so many people that love her, and she's going to be just fine as long as I keep fighting.) Today... watching the news of the plane crash I realized that one of the people closest to me works, fights for our country everyday, and puts his life in jeopardy every time he goes to work. His family, my family, our friends... are all so proud of him. Today I realized that he might not have come home from work. Craziness.
Shit. For that matter... I could walk up to Barnes and Noble and get hit by a car. All this worrying doesn't matter anymore. One of the good things about what I've gone through since December is that I've realized who matters and who doesn't. Energy spent of people that don't really matter anymore is wasted energy. Energy that   I need to conserve for living my life to the fullest. For the days that I can get out and do things... take Petunia for the walks she deserves, spend time with my folks, and relish in the company of my friends that have become family. Time wasted sucks. I'm heading to NYC with Spencer on the 26th. I'll be walking in the Parkinson's Unity Walk and spending time with some friends that HAVE become family. I finally get to sit across from Fiona and Chris! Chris and I have been friends for years. He lives in Britain, and we share a very common history. I'm watching him as he makes the transition from a single stud to a married dude. It's been wonderful, and I can't wait to meet the love of his life. I also get to finally meet Roger and Rosie from Florida. Roger also has Parkinson's. Him and his wife are a HUGE inspiration to me, and I can't wait to meet them in person. I've connected with many other Parkinson's peeps... ALLIE! It's going to be a very inspiring weekend. I'm staying with Josh Stigall... and I'm SO looking forward to it. Plus... Spencer and I will be sharing the experience of the Unity Walk together. Spencer has been a part of my life since I moved back to Virginia Beach in 1998 after my break up with Ken. We have kept in touch over the years... on and off. It amazes me the way God pulls people into your life when you need them. He's strong, inspiring, sensitive, sensual, and my best friend. He teaches me something about life every day.
So. I'm grateful. I may be dying... slowly. But I'm also LIVING daily. That's what matters. I'm surrounded by some incredible people, and my journey gets longer and more exciting with every thing I check off  my bucket list. Some people NEVER have that opportunity. I'm going to end this with something my best friend Carl wrote me a around Christmas. I was scared and BEYOND sad. I thought I had literally lost everything. Scared of a lot of things back then. One of those things was living. The future isn't promised to anyone. It's one thing to plan, and put things in order. (Which I've done...) But quite another to sit back and worry about a future that hasn't happened yet. This one quote from my best friend reminds me every day that things are going to be okay. The email he sent me that day gave me strength to live one more day. And that's how it's been ever since.


"Worry cannot coexist where faith is trying to as well. Once you pray, be confident and give it to God. God will meet you where your faith is. HE is not putting you through this as punishment. You are here to be a blessing to someone else. God still has a plan for you and he won't take you from this Earth until that plan is fulfilled. The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God can't protect you."

THE WILL OF GOD WILL NEVER TAKE YOU WHERE THE GRACE OF GOD CAN'T PROTECT YOU.

Pretty wise stuff.