It's funny. The "Will" that my friends and family see... and the "Will" that exists every day.... Trying to pull those two guys together without hurting anyone is hard. I'm tired. Tired of doctors. Sick of hearing what may or may not be wrong with me. It's been a very LONG two years. FUCK... it's been a very long 7 years. Knowing that I probably never had a "massive stroke", and the changes that had on my life and the lives' of the people I love... HURTS. I'd rather go down thinking that what I went through... what I put my folks and Rusty through.... geeeeeesh. If we I could have had an accurate diagnosis all those years ago who knows where my life would be now. Where Rusty would be. Where my folks would be. The "what ifs" can go on and on... and are the things that could mean life and death for me now.
Most Parkinson's patients go through a period of diagnosis. Where you could have MS, ALS, Hunnington's, blah blah blah... I thought I had it easy. LOL! What makes me different than the next guy? FUCK THAT! I'm Will damn it! Things are supposed to be different. BECAUSE IT'S ME! I'm so sick of going to doctors. I'm SO sick of taking meds. I'm SO FUCKING SICK of hearing bad news at every turn. I've lost so much over the last 2 years. I moved back to Virginia to pull my shit together... to support myself without someone else attached to me. To move past my "Rusty" years.... rediscover myself and really start living my life for myself. Linda once told me that I would never be happy until I could get past the PAST.
PART of that past is the stroke. I'm so angry. I'm not even 40 yet. I should be planning for my kids education, looking forward to retirement, and loving the fact that all that I worked for was coming into place. I've lost EVERYTHING over the last couple of years. Walking away from Hawaii..  From Rusty. From the life that we built together. From my best friend. Geeeesh. I don't regret that at all! LOL! It made me grow in so many ways. I just see my life now so differently than I did then. If only I could go back and SHAKE myself. WAYNE!!? That's another story entirely. I've thought many times over the last couple of months that God was playing a joke on me. I was being PUNKED. I've never in my LIFE loved someone so completely. Evenly. Without question. Only to find out that he was human too. GOD DAMN HIM! Looking back... I take complete responsiblity for what happened between us. He was holding the world on his shoulders, and trying to take care of me at the same time. No one can do that. NO ONE. Gilbert is and always will be one of my heroes. 47th street. Neptune Festival. Jazz nights at Neptune Park with Levi and Lane. The camp ground. Petunia. THE LAKE. Period. The happiness that I felt far outweighs anything negative that came out of that period of my life.
But here I am now. Trying to make sense of a life that doesn't make ANY sense at all. I'm tired. I should be at a place in my life where I should be taking care of my parents. Being the mentor to my nephew... to be the man that he used to look up to... and able to support my sister the way the men in her life have failed to do. Here I am at 4am on a Thursday morning looking back at the destruction of my life.
And then... there's my faith. My Grandmother told me years ago that even when things seem really dark... If I closed my eyes REALLY tight... I'd see some light. And that would be God. Grandma Pillar was a wise woman. I miss her like crazy because I know she'd have something to say about all of this. Something sweet, but stern. I'm a control freak. I get that from my mother. I can't control anything that's happening right now. I'm scared shitless, and I don't know what to do anymore. Thankfully I have people in my life that love me enough to put up with my bullshit. Spencer (ohhhhhhhhhhhhh Jesus, YES.... SPENCER!!!!) came back into my life and has been absolutely amazing. That's another story all to itself... but hopefully it will be a great love story. Carl and Tom are my rocks. I don't know what I would do without Krystal and Domonique. My day to day friends like Spencer, Carl, Tom, Dominick, Jamie, Em, Chris, Fi, Megs.... you guys give me strength. My family... no matter how much I push.... you're always there. Blood and otherwise.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've pushed you guys away so many times. I don't know what is going to happen with all of this. Signing Advance Directives, Living Wills, etc.... it's not something I want to deal with much less think about. Worrying about what's going to happen to my family after I'm gone... it's not something that a 40 something should have to deal with. I'd much rather be planning trips to London... skydiving in Hawaii... surfing in Australia... hiking in Colorado... watching the sunsets that I always LOVED in San Diego off of Sunset Cliffs. Now I worry about what's going to happen to my CONSTANT companion. Petunia has come a long way. From Hawaii... to California... to Virginia. That little girl has gone through hell to have a happy home. And I've given her nothing but a hella lota drama. She worships me, and I adore her. I may not (or who knows... may HAVE) have found true love with another man... but the one thing I'm sure of in my life is the love of Petunia.
I don't know what's going to happen from this point forward. I'm TIRED. SICK and TIRED. Not looking for PITY (and yes... I'm thinking of a certain SOMEONE), but maybe some empathy. Those of you that are close to me know what I've been dealing with, and KNOW ME. I may be dramatic at times... yes. But I don't want anyone's pity.
Ok. You guys asked for it. My first bullshit free blog. I won't go back and change anything. I'm tired. Not sleepy tired, but sooooooo drained I could hardly stand if I had to. I'm grateful. I'm humbled every day. And I'm feeling bad for writing half the stuff I just did. (It's the Catholic boy in me... ) All I know is I need peace. Peace of mind. And that's what I'm praying for as I go to sleep this morning. I wish I could KNOW that everyone in my life was taken care of. PERIOD. I'd be ok with anything.

Listening to some old school Nickelback... geeeesh. Why do I do this to myself? LOL!http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&v=GP7zpdwo3Xo&NR=1